Finding Peace Once More

On April 14, 2014 my front tooth completely cracked. It created a dental emergency just hours before the first seder of Passover was to begin in our home. We were hosting 16  guests. Frantic, without a dentist in BC (my dentist for the past five years has been in India) I quickly found an emergency clinic that would take me immediately and at least temporarily, repair the damage.

Two more broken teeth, a broken metacarpal bone in my right hand, and the anxiety of turning 60 have thrown me physically and spiritually into a state of havoc. This confusion is only amplified by the awareness that several close and very dear friends are experiencing effects of disease and each is struggling with their very survival.

 

Events worldwide have been destructive.  Predominating are episodes of terrorism, misogyny, racism, general disregard for humanity.  There seems to be a total disrespect for our environment in the pursuit of money, and a general loss of hope fills our world. I take these things on, no doubt, absorbing them into my soul!

Distraction and disorder make it difficult for me to focus. Seeking the ‘good’ becomes too demanding, and trying to maintain positivity and peace is exhausting. I know what I need to do, and I struggle with the effort.

My mind is constantly busy. My attempts at meditation have been frustrating and I just can’t seem to slow my thoughts! I’m looking for the place of peace I know is within.

I know. I know. “Focus on your breath.” “Act as an observer of your thoughts.” “Create a mantra for redirecting prana.” These are the words I teach! So why am I struggling so hard to model these ideas?

Here, now, in India, I revisit where I need to be:

Yoga means Unity. When I am practising Yoga, I feel in total harmony with my surroundings. I am able to watch the clouds floating above me. At times I feel myself within the clouds, totally engaged with their movement. And sometimes I even feel higher than the clouds. It’s a little like being in Heaven!

My Yoga practice this week has been fulfilling. “The body remembers,” one of my Yoga teachers reminds me often. Once I’ve found something wonderful, I can always find it again!

My children used to tell me I think too much. Nothing comes easily. Everything becomes an issue and I’m always “on”. I think they are right. Someone once told me I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. I suppose if I stopped thinking, I might not care so much.

Yoga teaches me to ‘focus on my own practice’. My Yoga practice is personal. It is mine and, with some direction, I lose myself in bliss. During my practice I mostly keep my eyes shut. It allows me to go within and focus on my breath and what my body tells me it needs. I function from that place of inner knowing whenever I can.

At the same time… I am a teacher. Sometimes I can’t help it! If I see someone doing something harmful, it’s a struggle for me to hold back. I sometimes ask myself, “How can I keep my eyes closed to what’s happening around me?” I am, in fact, my brothers’ and sisters’ keeper. I feel compelled to help those around me, especially when I am feeling strong and able. Balance is critical, between focussing on my own practice and taking care of others.

I have a deep inner sense that I am growing out of the depths of this past year. Symbolically, I am in India for healing. I am here to have dental implants put in and to bring the condition of my mouth to a state of good health. Ayurvedic medicine provides massage and treatment to heal my body mindfully. I am immersed in Yoga and reintroducing myself to my self, where I feel comfortable and good and strong. I am intentionally reflecting on those things in my life that no longer serve me and focussing on the beauty and good that is with me and will thrive with my attention.

I am seeing that proverbial “light” more clearly now and know better how to move towards it. My 60^th birthday has passed, I am reuniting with India and gathering from the source of power she offers me. As of last night, all the teeth that required extraction, are gone. No more ambiguity. My personal relationships are strong, and, if they’re not, I know better how to assess whether to fix them or just leave them behind (like I’ll do with my teeth). I have learned powerful lessons from my healing crisis, and know that I will emerge renewed and more at peace as a result.  I feel eternally grateful!