I need to write again. I’m beginning to reclaim my feelings of safety and calm. This past year has been a journey from the darkness into the light. I am still on the journey, no doubt, but the path is clearer than it’s been. I anticipate increased clarity in the new year, and guidance and joy. It’s been a while since I’ve felt a sense of hope.
A friend of mine recently spoke at a community event about the astrological implications of the present moon in Scorpio. I’m so uninformed about the science of Astrology, and have only recently begun my inquiry into a better understanding. According to her, this astrological phenomenon happens approximately every 3 years. This moon then began it’s cycle for me when I was 59 ½. That’s exactly when my turmoil began!
As I approach my birth month, I am very aware that I am now turning 63! It has been 3 years on this journey of darkness. During these years, I experienced a great deal of loss. My mothers’ passing 2 ½ years ago plummeted me into a state of grief. Simultaneously, I was catapulted into conflict with a family member that threw me into very confusing and challenging directions. My work changed drastically also, moving from a regular, predictable schedule to one that is sporadic and much less available. I definitely began to notice what doesn’t work for me, and, knew that I had to change in order to settle into a place of lightness and peace.
My Yoga practice became critical as the physical expression of Yoga, along with the spirit of meditation and pranyama (breath) gently guided me through my anxiety and depression. I knew I wanted to feel my experience, and… I also wanted to live, love and be productive and helpful. Sharing my practice with others in our yurt supported that.
What did I know, for sure? I know I have the resources to get me through the darkness into the light. Along with my Yoga practice, I outreached to several different people in alternative forms of therapy. I know I have the unconditional and supportive love of my partner. I know that several of my children (who aren’t children anymore) could listen and validate my feelings (within reason). I know I have many very dear and close friends holding my hand through the often, unbearable pain that I was experiencing. No doubt, I am blessed. And, whenever my sadness got almost unbearable, I would call on my ‘circle of love’ to hold hands all around me…without speaking, without touching me….just to be there and send me love. That was my meditation. They were my solid beings. They stayed with me even without being here physically. They helped save me.
According to Vadic teachings the Vishudai chakra, located in the throat, is the 5th chakra. It is the area that guides our true sense of communication and connection with others. Vishudai is our gateway to creativity and personal expression and to spiritual and mental awareness. My intention, then, is to look closely within, find my true self and speak my truth always avoiding pain to anyone along the way! (Ahimsa)
I am realizing that my life is my practice, and Yoga mirrors my life! Everything I do is a pursuit to find divine love for my self, for my friends and family, and for tikkun olam (repairing the universe). If yoga means, in Sanskrit, ‘unity’ then I am Yoga, and the things I do is my practice. Whether it’s cooking, counseling, teaching, playing music, writing blogs, coaching, supporting, guiding, exploring….all these things, and more, support my practice of life.
The most important pursuit is to live my life remembering to love with passion and to intentionally treat others with that very love and respect. And through it all to continue to speak my truth.
And so I continue to “write on”!