Grief is mostly about dealing with loss.
When my dad died in 1999 I experienced a tremendous sadness. I suffered for
many weeks. I cried a lot then and found so much comfort in my familial and
spiritual communities. I think, though, that, at that time I was not ready to
really experience grief. Grief is
different.
I’m guessing that grief takes many shapes
and forms. It happens at all ages and in various ways. The manners with which
we experience grief vary depending on who we each are and what we’re ready to
embrace and feel.
My mom’s passing occurred just this past
year. I am 61 years old now. I felt grief for the first time in my life. And,
when I expressed that to my friend and rabbi, she said, “That is not new grief,
Amy.” I wasn’t quite sure what she meant at that time. I only knew it was
truth. Since then I have made some sense of her comment.
People say that grief subsides with time,
and that it “gets easier.” I am
finding that not to be so true. In
fact, I’m finding that this is the unique characteristic about grief. Grief is
forever. If it’s about loss then it will never ‘go away’. Maybe it will change.
Perhaps I’ll learn better how to deal with the losses I’m experiencing. No
doubt, however, identifying the losses is necessary before I can ever come to
terms with it.
So if grief is about loss, what have I
lost?
I will never have a verbal conversation
with my mom again, nor will I ever gain the love from my parents that I always
crave. My brothers and I may never share sibling play and have fun together. Perhaps
I won’t have meaningful authentic conversations with one of my kids. I probably
will never win the “Teacher of Year” award. I will never finish a marathon and
I probably will never see China or Japan. These are all experiences in my life
that I most likely will never have because, quite frankly, I won’t have the
time to achieve them. I used to dream about some of these things when I was
younger, but now I don’t have the same kind of time anymore. I mourn the loss
of my youth!
And… the fact is, I never really had these
things in the first place, although they might have been things I’ve wanted for
many years! What makes me think I could have them now? And the grief comes,
when I know I never will. The loss
then, is letting go of the desire and the hope, and for me, with it goes the
passion. I’ve lost a lot of my passion!
I suppose, in some ways, over the years,
I’ve been preparing myself to “let go, let go, let go”. Well… I think I’m
letting go. And the loss of what I never really had in the first place is
passing through me painfully.
There just isn’t enough time left for me to
do it all. I must, instead, prioritize and do those things that matter the most
with those people who love to be with me too. And, just like Winston Churchill
says, “When you’re going through hell…keep going!”
I am…
