Making decisions can be challenging,
especially ones that we think are life setting. That’s why when one of our daughters
completed her undergraduate degree in Montreal, I responded strategically to
her query. “What am I going to do now?” she asked. “I don’t really know what I
want to happen in my life.”
A preconception for me in working with
people, is the belief that each one of us has the information we need to make
healthy and good decisions. Helping others, I’ve found, is best practised by
first realizing that withholding suggestions validates the other person’s
awareness. Recognizing that each of us needs to use our own resources is
essential. Asking the right questions, therefore, inspires others to self
reflect. Sometimes information we already have becomes overwhelming and
confusing. It simply needs to be organized differently. This tool is meant to
organize information.
Shira was confused.
“Well”, I responded, “What’s the most
important thing for you right now? Is it person, place or thing?”
From that point I created an
organizational tool for decision making that I have found very helpful over the
years and I’ve used it in many different situations for coaching others.
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| Bliss |
The way it works is simple. First is an
understanding that all three components are important, and at different times
in our life, the priority shifts.
For instance, when I became old enough to
make my own decisions and left home, I was 14 years old. At that time in my
life place was the most important
thing. I wanted to live in Israel, on a kibbutz, so I could farm fresh food and
live in a communal environment where people took care of each other and created
healthy cooperative living. I also escaped the United States at a time of war.
Richard Nixon was President. The U.S. was heavily into Viet Nam. My brothers
were both eligible for the army, and both of them could be deferred because we
had enough resources to ‘get them out’. I was uncomfortable, even then, with
the inequity of that situation, where those with enough resources could escape
the draft, while most could not. I lived in dark, heavy, dirty New York City
and craved the lightness and brightness of nature.
I also needed to go to school, so thing became the next priority. Instead of a kibbutz, I found a ‘mosad’
- a boarding school environment in Israel that focussed first on school and
second on agriculture. There I finished High School, acquiring American
qualifications that would enable me to complete post secondary education and acquire
teacher certification. At that time people
didn’t rate at all since I didn’t know anyone in Israel anyway and quite
frankly it didn’t matter.
For the past 40 years my priority has
been person. My children are what drove
my decisions. Proper schooling, appropriate accommodations and comfortable
living motivated my decisions once I had kids. Thing came second, because I had to support them, and getting a job
was important. So finding the right place to teach and share my skills was also
a priority. Place was significant
only insofar as the children needed to be close to their father from whom I was
separated.
As I transition in to a new stage of my
life, person drives my choices. I will go anywhere in the world, and
do anything, as long as it is with my partner. It’s person, too, because together we never want to be far from our
kids. Place is second because living
on Gabriola is, for now, an adventure we welcome and embrace. Travelling is
another inspiration as I am still inspired by learning about diversity in our
universe and welcoming new adventures while I still can. Thing is least important right now, as we transition into
retirement. What we do and how we do it is made much easier with the
flexibility and possibilities we have with our new found freedom.
Our daughter has thrived since her
initial dilemma. She settled in Toronto with her (then) boyfriend and got
involved with work that inspired her to pursue higher learning. She now has an
MBA and is happy living in Toronto creating the life she carves for herself.
She embraces change regularly, unthreatened by the challenges of difficult
choices and possible slip ups.
Life offers us the adventure of change.
When we are thrown off our familiar course, it is not unusual to feel confused,
uncertain, and extra cautious. I want to welcome change and not be afraid. This
coming year, my 61st, will be an adventure, and mindfully, I want to
embrace it with joy and understanding, surrounded by the love of people in my life, settled in to the places that help me feel good, engaged
in those things that contribute to my
state of bliss! For now… 