Nostalgia

Driving on the Blue Ridge Highway surrounded by the Appalachian Mountains I am overcome with a strong sense of nostalgia. I used to drive these roads often when I was younger. First with my parents to visit my older brother Alan when he was a student at Roanoke College. I especially remember driving up for his graduation and spending the weekend together in celebration.

Next, my next brother, Michael decided to go to Roanoke too. He and I used to drive back and forth often. I like to tell my own children how Michael and I would get out of the car at toll booths to collect all the quarters that people left behind when they missed the cage that should have collected their fare. It was a successful trip when we collected more quarters than what we had to pay out.

We spent a lot of time following music wherever we could find it and happening upon adventure whenever we could make it. There were many weekends spent in the mountains being crazy and young and wild.

The drive today is different. I somehow notice the mountains more vividly, and I appreciate the beauty around me. I am aware of the colourlessness of Winter and breathe deeply when the sun shines through the space in the clouds, brightening the path ahead, even if just a few minutes.

As I drive, Paul and I listen to Jefferson Airplane. I turn our ipod up louder.

Things sure have changed in 35 years and I become a bit sad. There is a bitter sweetness. Sometimes, lately I feel old. My body hurts chronically and I’m not always as able to physically do the things I used to do. Maybe it’s temporary. My knees have stiffened. Perhaps I will be in full repair soon. Perhaps not. When I meet with old friends our conversation often turns to arthritis pains and loose unwanted skin.

My hair is grey and I know it makes me look older than I need to. But I am older. What’s the point of looking younger if I’m not! And yet I wish I did. Go figure….

I miss the excitement I used to feel when I buy things. Though I never was a big shopper, I felt excitement when I bought new things. Art purchases for our house to make it more comfortable. New clothes that would remind me of places I’ve been. Special gifts for friends and family to let them know I was thinking about them. All these things used to be fun. I find myself shedding my possessions now instead of accumulating things.

I’m also noticing how much I don’t know. Working with university students and being with so many young people reminds me about how quickly our world is changing. There is so much I don’t know in this world. I want to know I have enough time to keep learning and applying my newly gained knowledge.

So these are some of the things Paul and I talked about in the car today. And here is what happened for me….

I feel incredibly blessed. I am getting older. Our children are grown up, self sufficient and happy…each one of them. We have never had the kind of freedom we have now. I have the gift of Paul who wants to go on these adventures with me and, together, we somehow make it possible. We can do anything we want!

“Look at what we’re doing right now!” Paul says to me. “Look at how crazy we are! This is fantastic!”

“You’re right” I agree. And the tears fall. They are tears of honey. And the car rolls. I feel happy. The speed limit is 70 miles an hour. The snow lays heavily on the mountains around me. My love sits beside me and shares regular smiles as a simple ‘check-in’ gesture. Grace Slick continues to sing and Paul and I sing along, together, as we carry on. God blessed.